SKIN CARE MASKS

i dont know what it is, but its a crave that ive had. slowly simmering in me, always there, never leaving - but always bearable. maybe its the 10 minutes crushes in the train, or stolen glances in coffee shops. call me desperate, maybe im one that lives to crave and constantly want. im always telling myself, studies comes first. you'll meet the right one. its just not your time. if its really true, why does it feel like im beating myself up for reasons cant be controlled? have i gone too far gone that i'm willing to accept even sweet nothings from boys who words have traveled to all corners of the world, but all for none. maybe its my imagination, and bottled up emotions waiting to burst, idk. it doesnt feel like i cant live, and my days are clouded by stupid good for nothing thoughts, im not that girl anymore. but it just feels like it is what it is, and all i can do is just take it in. try too hard, im not independent. if i dont try at all, i isolate myself. why do i feel like i cant be myself, am i just...not adorned?

thoughts i cant run away from:
1. don't slouch, it makes you look ugly.
2. hide your chins, your side profile looks bad.
3. maybe its my hair
4. am i not girly enough?
5. i should probably be more mysterious
6. maybe i just carry myself in ways that makes me stupid
7. is being "normal" worth losing myself?

maybe this is the time to really learn how to be independent, actually it really is. but does loneliness and self criticism always come hand in hand with it? i cant exactly gather my thoughts just yet. sometimes it feels good and sad that all i want to do is imagine ways i get to meet the next guy, and imagine how electrifying it'll feel. from holding hands, someone to do stupid things with. it sounds stupid, how i wish i can say it and believe it. but i cant.

i do miss him, mostly the idea that i had him. i still dont see myself as someone worthy, maybe now less destructive than before, but i really just cant imagine why someone would want me. someone real at least. he was nice, he made me feel special, like i was really something in his eyes. i liked that we could rely on each other, at least when things were good. the way i felt appreciated, maybe its from the years and years of self esteem issues. from family, from myself, always waiting for the approval of other people.

i really do hope it changes. maybe i can cling onto the idea of it just a little longer till some coincidentally well aligned meet happens. i can only hope. but i'll be okay, there's no choice. there's better things to be worrying about.