Relapsing

My hands are aching for pain. My head is craving for fear. My eyes need blood. It's so hard not to relapse. I've been having terrible anxiety attacks. I start quivering for no reason. I get anxious. I fear of judgements. I fear of disappointment.  I have enough of that in me already. I fear of heartbreak. I feel so fucking fat. Scratch that, I don't FEEL fat but I KNOW that I AM FAT. I've been scratching my scars.It doesn't work. I need pain. I feel like I should be happy right now. I have someone to love, I have people loving me but I can't help but thinking about what will happen if I lose them. I won't survive. I know for a fact that I WILL lose them, because I know that I'm never good enough. I don't deserve all these things that I have. My box is right next to me. The blade is just a feet away from me. I could probably be relapsing in a minute or I keep fighting. I don't know which one will happen. We'll just wait and see.